July 7, 2009

a sticky wet viscous substance

an open letter:

dear GooP,

you seem to have gotten a lot of flack for your new "lifestyle" website/newsletter/
preachyness. you seem confused why people aren't embracing everything you say with open arms. let me help clarify why.

first of all, your website is called goop, it rhymes with poop. (i get that it's your initials but come on.)

secondly, 99.9% of the world cannot relate to what you're saying. you came from a place of extreme privilege AND you want to tell us why you're the best? that makes people resent/hate/disregard you. i recommend a bite of some vegan humble pie to go with your vegan lunch.

it does seem like you're trying to offer good advice and on some things i really agree with you, but do you have to be so obnoxious and pretentious about it? i think it comes down to the fact that you are completely out of touch with, well, about everything. you grew up in nyc/la with rich/famous parents, were handed everything on a silver spoon and you still bash america? why do you think people are annoyed by you?

let's look at a few examples to help illustrate our point.

1. GO new york. your recommendations (for all cities in fact) are all 5 star restaurants/hotels/owned by mario batali. was it part of your "spain...on the road again" contract to name drop him? we are new yorkers, and we say you are out of touch.
fave quote: "The Bowery has been one of my homes-away-from-home in the last year. It is a very cool spot, with the people to match. As it is located on Bowery I wouldn't recommend it to the Park Avenue set, but my English rock star friends can’t get enough of it."

2. MAKE food. you went on the trip of a lifetime through spain with an amazing chef and got to learn/eat with other amazing chefs and you wont even eat meat? are you insane? how can you consider yourself an authority on food when you eat like a rabbit? your choice is fine, but don't tell us how to eat, you're missing out on the best stuff munching on vegan everything all day. you are also extremely skinny (hey, you're paid to look good) and you're telling us we should do a detox to be like you...oh my. i think you should "nourish your own inner aspect."
fave quote: "I need to lose a few pounds of holiday excess. Anyone else? I like to do fasts and detoxes a couple of times during the year, the most hardcore one being the Master Cleanse I did last spring. It was not what you would characterize as pretty. Or easy. It did work, however...He [doctor] actually thinks that the Master Cleanse can be dangerous because the liver is not supported by the nutrients it needs."

3. GET your spring wardrobe. again, these are a bit out of our price range (but props for donating proceeds to charity). at least you have a sense of humor modeling those clothes yourself for your own website (that was ironic right? or is GooP hard up for ca$h?). you also get tons of designer clothes thrown at you for free. so stfu.
fave quote: "I am going back to my day job this spring (filming a movie) and I am confronted with a few wardrobe issues...They are still selling gladiators that are almost identical to the ones I got last spring and there hasn’t been any major shift in silhouettes."

listen GooP, this is coming from a place of love. i actually like some of your movies and agree with some of your points. hey, i even cut my hair like yours in sliding doors. but try not to be so obnoxious. hopefully pointing out some of your ridiculous notions cleared things up for you, well, probably not. you know, forget what i said, just keep rubbing your amazing life in all our poor faces. poop.

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