aside from watching men do cocaine off of paper plates in pizza joints, bums dragging cardboard boxes of rocks through the subway, and the often sighted boa constrictor neck scarf, new york city offers another great perk: interesting bathroom occurrences.
the women's bathroom at work is a particularly good place the begin. while women talking on the phone as the person next to them shits is somewhat disturbing, this isn't exactly an experience only new yorkers are privy to. these others, however, are ones that those inhabiting the island feel is okay and normal to do in communal restrooms:
a.) men using women's bathrooms
b.) dye one's hair in the sink
c.) smoke marijuana
d.) shave one's legs in the sink where others put their dishes
f.) hold meetings
g.) sing opera
h.) cry like a small child
while some of these are less weird than others, it just shows how much entitlement this city can really breed (speaking of which, see the goop post below).
ON A SIDE NOTE
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THIS FINE GENTLEMAN WHO I HAVE NOT SEEN BUT CAN CLEARLY APPRECIATE FROM A DISTANCE VIA CRAIGSLIST NYC:
To the hipster girls from Williamsburg. For whatever reason I find it difficult to initiate a conversation with you guys. But all I want to say is that I think you gals are beautiful and attractive and I love the way you guys dress.
July 9, 2009
July 8, 2009
there are so many words for this moment.
tiger woods is the focus of so many lives. with such greatness comes words of strength, wisdom, honor, championship, and passionate love for a man so dear to us. captured at pristine moments in time, here's what some of his fans have to say:
July 7, 2009
a sticky wet viscous substance
an open letter:
dear GooP,
you seem to have gotten a lot of flack for your new "lifestyle" website/newsletter/preachyness. you seem confused why people aren't embracing everything you say with open arms. let me help clarify why.
first of all, your website is called goop, it rhymes with poop. (i get that it's your initials but come on.)
secondly, 99.9% of the world cannot relate to what you're saying. you came from a place of extreme privilege AND you want to tell us why you're the best? that makes people resent/hate/disregard you. i recommend a bite of some vegan humble pie to go with your vegan lunch.
it does seem like you're trying to offer good advice and on some things i really agree with you, but do you have to be so obnoxious and pretentious about it? i think it comes down to the fact that you are completely out of touch with, well, about everything. you grew up in nyc/la with rich/famous parents, were handed everything on a silver spoon and you still bash america? why do you think people are annoyed by you?
let's look at a few examples to help illustrate our point.
1. GO new york. your recommendations (for all cities in fact) are all 5 star restaurants/hotels/owned by mario batali. was it part of your "spain...on the road again" contract to name drop him? we are new yorkers, and we say you are out of touch.
fave quote: "The Bowery has been one of my homes-away-from-home in the last year. It is a very cool spot, with the people to match. As it is located on Bowery I wouldn't recommend it to the Park Avenue set, but my English rock star friends can’t get enough of it."
2. MAKE food. you went on the trip of a lifetime through spain with an amazing chef and got to learn/eat with other amazing chefs and you wont even eat meat? are you insane? how can you consider yourself an authority on food when you eat like a rabbit? your choice is fine, but don't tell us how to eat, you're missing out on the best stuff munching on vegan everything all day. you are also extremely skinny (hey, you're paid to look good) and you're telling us we should do a detox to be like you...oh my. i think you should "nourish your own inner aspect."
fave quote: "I need to lose a few pounds of holiday excess. Anyone else? I like to do fasts and detoxes a couple of times during the year, the most hardcore one being the Master Cleanse I did last spring. It was not what you would characterize as pretty. Or easy. It did work, however...He [doctor] actually thinks that the Master Cleanse can be dangerous because the liver is not supported by the nutrients it needs."
3. GET your spring wardrobe. again, these are a bit out of our price range (but props for donating proceeds to charity). at least you have a sense of humor modeling those clothes yourself for your own website (that was ironic right? or is GooP hard up for ca$h?). you also get tons of designer clothes thrown at you for free. so stfu.
fave quote: "I am going back to my day job this spring (filming a movie) and I am confronted with a few wardrobe issues...They are still selling gladiators that are almost identical to the ones I got last spring and there hasn’t been any major shift in silhouettes."
listen GooP, this is coming from a place of love. i actually like some of your movies and agree with some of your points. hey, i even cut my hair like yours in sliding doors. but try not to be so obnoxious. hopefully pointing out some of your ridiculous notions cleared things up for you, well, probably not. you know, forget what i said, just keep rubbing your amazing life in all our poor faces. poop.
dear GooP,
you seem to have gotten a lot of flack for your new "lifestyle" website/newsletter/
first of all, your website is called goop, it rhymes with poop. (i get that it's your initials but come on.)
secondly, 99.9% of the world cannot relate to what you're saying. you came from a place of extreme privilege AND you want to tell us why you're the best? that makes people resent/hate/disregard you. i recommend a bite of some vegan humble pie to go with your vegan lunch.
it does seem like you're trying to offer good advice and on some things i really agree with you, but do you have to be so obnoxious and pretentious about it? i think it comes down to the fact that you are completely out of touch with, well, about everything. you grew up in nyc/la with rich/famous parents, were handed everything on a silver spoon and you still bash america? why do you think people are annoyed by you?
let's look at a few examples to help illustrate our point.
1. GO new york. your recommendations (for all cities in fact) are all 5 star restaurants/hotels/owned by mario batali. was it part of your "spain...on the road again" contract to name drop him? we are new yorkers, and we say you are out of touch.
fave quote: "The Bowery has been one of my homes-away-from-home in the last year. It is a very cool spot, with the people to match. As it is located on Bowery I wouldn't recommend it to the Park Avenue set, but my English rock star friends can’t get enough of it."
2. MAKE food. you went on the trip of a lifetime through spain with an amazing chef and got to learn/eat with other amazing chefs and you wont even eat meat? are you insane? how can you consider yourself an authority on food when you eat like a rabbit? your choice is fine, but don't tell us how to eat, you're missing out on the best stuff munching on vegan everything all day. you are also extremely skinny (hey, you're paid to look good) and you're telling us we should do a detox to be like you...oh my. i think you should "nourish your own inner aspect."
fave quote: "I need to lose a few pounds of holiday excess. Anyone else? I like to do fasts and detoxes a couple of times during the year, the most hardcore one being the Master Cleanse I did last spring. It was not what you would characterize as pretty. Or easy. It did work, however...He [doctor] actually thinks that the Master Cleanse can be dangerous because the liver is not supported by the nutrients it needs."
3. GET your spring wardrobe. again, these are a bit out of our price range (but props for donating proceeds to charity). at least you have a sense of humor modeling those clothes yourself for your own website (that was ironic right? or is GooP hard up for ca$h?). you also get tons of designer clothes thrown at you for free. so stfu.
fave quote: "I am going back to my day job this spring (filming a movie) and I am confronted with a few wardrobe issues...They are still selling gladiators that are almost identical to the ones I got last spring and there hasn’t been any major shift in silhouettes."
listen GooP, this is coming from a place of love. i actually like some of your movies and agree with some of your points. hey, i even cut my hair like yours in sliding doors. but try not to be so obnoxious. hopefully pointing out some of your ridiculous notions cleared things up for you, well, probably not. you know, forget what i said, just keep rubbing your amazing life in all our poor faces. poop.
July 5, 2009
July 3, 2009
the perils of pizza
we should've known something bad was coming when we went to go to a store and the sky opened up upon us and we saw a girl with a huge pizza tattoo on her arm. how could we have ignored these ominous signs of what was to come?
a quartet out in billyburg, we were just searching for some pizza. little did we know that when we entered the pizza place (which shall remain nameless for legal purposes) we would be in "the most illegal" situation we've ever been in as one observer described.
the man working behind the counter, let's call him vinnie(?) served us a piece of pizza. here is what he did in the next 10 minutes in the restaurant (while there were customers and the door was open):
1 cigarette was smoked
1 beer was drunk
1 girl was hit on many times
1 date was offered (only food and wine, no extras)
1 joint was smoked
1 wad of cash was fanned multiple times
1 obnoxious laugh and pound were given to cronies
1 bet was made on random numbers given by us
1 father was insulted, 1 ex-wife was insulted
1 phone call was ignored
1 bag of cocaine was pulled out and snorted off 1 paper plate with 1 plastic straw
every bad stereotype was fulfilled.
i can only hope for this man that 1 continues to be his lucky number, perhaps in his jail cell.
a quartet out in billyburg, we were just searching for some pizza. little did we know that when we entered the pizza place (which shall remain nameless for legal purposes) we would be in "the most illegal" situation we've ever been in as one observer described.
the man working behind the counter, let's call him vinnie(?) served us a piece of pizza. here is what he did in the next 10 minutes in the restaurant (while there were customers and the door was open):
1 cigarette was smoked
1 beer was drunk
1 girl was hit on many times
1 date was offered (only food and wine, no extras)
1 joint was smoked
1 wad of cash was fanned multiple times
1 obnoxious laugh and pound were given to cronies
1 bet was made on random numbers given by us
1 father was insulted, 1 ex-wife was insulted
1 phone call was ignored
1 bag of cocaine was pulled out and snorted off 1 paper plate with 1 plastic straw
every bad stereotype was fulfilled.
i can only hope for this man that 1 continues to be his lucky number, perhaps in his jail cell.
July 2, 2009
it's been a while since you've purred this sweet surrender.
although *~*'s anti-nafta agreement has been in effect for a while now, we recently discovered a reason to cross north american boarders (aside from visiting friends on their birthdays and drinking margaritas until the sun don't shine in sexxxico o hai biddies c u in 3 weeks holla @ my gurlz WOT UP!!11!! miss u all KIT). the shameless city of toronto, canada may have redeemed itself with its very own musuem dedicated to....
NARWHALS
yes, yes, yes. OH YES! the narwhal art project is a forum for creative living with pieces inspired *~*exclusively*~* by narwhals. this is so sexy, unfathomable, yet simply beautiful. so those of you mildly allured by the bullshit "visit canada" ads plastered in the media, this should push you over the edge to visit our northern neighbors.
NARWHALS
yes, yes, yes. OH YES! the narwhal art project is a forum for creative living with pieces inspired *~*exclusively*~* by narwhals. this is so sexy, unfathomable, yet simply beautiful. so those of you mildly allured by the bullshit "visit canada" ads plastered in the media, this should push you over the edge to visit our northern neighbors.
July 1, 2009
michael jackson: you made heaven a place on earth.
a little late on the goodbye to michael jackson mystery tour, *~* would like to pay homage to the king of pop. all of you in manhattan/five surrounding boroughs/trashy hos from long island can celebrate the life and times of what mj was really about: getting crunk and making mistakes (love you brit brit).
in other words, see you moonwalking on saturday at the pourhouse's michael jackson pub crawl. here you'll be able to relive the magic of his golden years, perhaps drink to the point where you think five nose jobs is a great use of your newly cashed unemployment checks, OR hook up with someone who has experienced the infamous "michael jackson: how to be both black & white" theory (aka c u there eminem).
newayz, neverland has lost a fine talent and the world has lost one of our most curious citizens.
in memoriam: currently wearing, 1 white glove, currently listening, dirty diana, currently feeling, bloated.
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